Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws

I just returned from a visit out west where I was able to spend time with three of our married children. Though five of our seven children are married, these three were on our route this time.

So, it’s interesting that the topic of study in my class this week was on creating healthy ties with in-laws because I came away from the visits wondering how I could strengthen those particular relationships.

As I interacted with my children and their spouses I felt a deep sense of love and appreciation for the role they have played in the life of my children and subsequently in our family. I found myself pondering on the blessing they each are to our family.

Authors, James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen in, Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families noted that “Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members”.

I love this quote because each of our children’s spouses are very different. Sometimes I am amazed at just how different they are. And, they have created growth in my children.

They have created growth in me as well. They have expanded my capacity to love and appreciate uniqueness's in character.

There is considerable joy in seeing your adult children develop loving relationships and there is joy in seeing your children support one another in their choice of spouses.

“Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences” (Harper, Olsen).

I am confident that my daughters-in-law and sons-in-law have been challenged on more than one occasion, as they have tried to navigate our family’s system.

Another thing that Harper and Olsen pointed out was that “the presence of other sons- or daughters-in-law can complicate inclusion issues because family members may make comparisons, and often sons- and daughters-in-law join in screening the potential in-law”.

One of the things I believe is helpful, is to not make comparisons. 

Even though we may try to be sensitive to this, sometimes comments are made, unintentionally, where comparisons may be alluded to or felt.

Along with this, I really appreciate what Diane Forbis wrote - "The potential for disrupting the family orchestration by talking about the unseemly behavior of a sister-in-law or the offensive language of a brother will never be worth any temporary satisfaction from voicing such indignation” (Harper, Olsen).

Such great advice!

Check out the link below for more ways to build healthy relationships with your in-laws:

http://blairblogs.com/2016/07/5-ways-to-build-healthy-relationships-with-your-in-laws/

Intimacy in Marriage

In his essay, Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage, Sean E. Brotherson describes the two most common dialogues on sexual matters. One, is the “incessant chatter and noise of the world” in which there is constant sensationalism and “distorted images of sensuality”. And the other, consists of concerns and warnings aimed to “steer us away from pornography, sexual exploitation, and immorality”.

While we need to be guarded against the immoralities of our day, we also need to develop a healthy attitude about sexuality, especially within the bounds of marriage.

Dr. Brotherson states that there is a “third part of the dialogue” that is “seldom heard or discussed” – it is about “the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy”.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is not only natural and good, but necessary for a mutually satisfying relationship between husband and wife. Because ignorance on this topic is prevalent, it is imperative that couples endeavor to understand its importance.

For couples who are engaged, newlywed, or struggling with intimacy in their marriage, it would be beneficial for them to seek learning and understanding, of what can sometimes be a complex issue.

“I am convinced that ignorance is perhaps the most costly deficiency when it comes to sexual fulfillment between marital partners,” states Brotherson. There should be no shame or embarrassment about an earnest effort to understand sexual intimacy. However, individuals need to be cautious about where they obtain information on this topic. Couples should seek learning from reliable sources that adhere to their standards and belief system.

Between married couples, the topic of sexual intimacy may not be comfortable initially, but as couples communicate about it they will develop more ease. Communication on this topic should not be vague and both spouses need to listen carefully to one another. Never ridicule. Be patient.

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in the process of creation and in an expression of love” (President Spencer W. Kimball, Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, 1982).

As President Kimball states, “there is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself”.  It is the way that sexual intimacy is misused, and frequently depicted in the world, that demeans it.

“When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive … It is something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship” (Brent A. Barlow, They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage, Ensign, Sept. 1986).

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Charity in Marriage

In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard addresses the topic of Charity – what it is, what it looks like in marriage, and how it can affect a marriage.

What is Charity?

In scripture, charity is defined as “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:46-47). The love of Christ can have several applications. It can reference the love we feel from Christ, the love we have for Christ, and how we can love, like Christ does.

We can feel the love of Christ as we seek to understand, and believe in, the love he has for us. We exemplify the love we have for him in this choice to believe, and we express that love in words and deeds. As we do these things, we learn to love as he does.

Let’s take this example of developing charity and put it in the context of a marriage.

We can only come to truly know our spouse, as we seek to understand them. What are their hopes and dreams? Where do those stem from? What gives them purpose and meaning in their lives?

John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that perpetual disagreements between spouses are usually a sign that each have dreams for their lives that are not acknowledged, respected, or even known, by their partner.

Part of understanding our spouse is knowing how they convey their love for us, and accepting those efforts – not only believing them, but acknowledging them and expressing gratitude for them. We allow ourselves to feel their love.

As we grant forgiveness for errors in judgement and welcome attempts to repair hurt feelings, we are exercising charity. We are loving as Christ does.

Goddard clarifies that charity is not “artificial good cheer … or a thin veneer of politeness on a distressed soul … or simply holding your tongue while judging or resenting others”. Nor does charity “flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse … It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other”.

How does charity affect marriage?

All marriages have challenges specific to the individuals involved. When these challenges arise, they must be addressed. Charity helps couples stay focused on the bigger picture. 

Being critical in such cases only leads to anger and defensiveness, not resolution or growth.

John Gottman claims that approximately 70% of what we don’t like, in our spouses, will never change. Employing charity creates an environment that welcomes self-reflection, which, in turn, initiates clarity and refinement.

In areas where it is possible, Goddard says, “acceptance is the key to change”. He also acknowledges that relevant action must take place for major violations of trust. Nonetheless, “whatever else is appropriate, charity is still essential".

     “A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger” - Proverbs 15: 1

Managing Conflict

In every marriage there is bound to be conflicts of some sort or another. While some conflicts are minor, others are more complicated. Many couples avoid addressing conflicts that arise in marriage because they have misconceptions about negative emotions.

Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, points out that negative emotions are important because “negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better”.

That is a powerful statement. When others express their negative emotions, do we consider what we can learn from them, or do we put up defenses? 

Gottman teaches that we don’t have to resolve our major marital conflicts for our marriages to thrive, but we do need to learn how to navigate them.

Soften your start-up.

A “start-up” is the introduction to the issue being addressed. It does not need to be very strategic, but it is imperative that it be free from any criticism or contempt. Complain but don’t blame!

The most productive ‘start-up’ has four elements; share some responsibility, say how you feel about the specific situation, and say what you need. Be clear about your positive needs (say what you need, not what you don’t need). Also, be polite. Think about how you would address a guest in your home, a co-worker, or friend.

Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

Repair attempts are efforts at de-escalating tension.  When too much negativity emerges, communication can shut down. Types of repair attempts are humor, apologies, taking time to cool down, suggesting a better way to communicate, and showing affection – to name a few. Learn what works best in your partnership and accept your spouse’s attempts at repair.

                Soothe yourself and each other.

Take a break from your discussion and let your body calm down. Listen to soothing music, do something that is distracting like taking a walk, reading, or exercising. When you are feeling calmer consider how you may help soothe your spouse. Find out what helps your spouse and support them in that.

                Compromise.

Gottman says that negotiation is only possible after following the previous steps, because a positive atmosphere must be present.  “Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiation and finding ways to accommodate each other”.  Remember to accept your spouses influence. We don’t have to agree on everything, but we need to consider our spouses position.

                Process grievances so that they don’t linger.

Because arguments can leave scars, it is important to address them. Gottman outlines specific ways in which these can be addressed. The important thing to remember is that each person’s perceptions are equally valid, and your goal is to gain greater understanding, not to debate who is correct.

Pride and Marriage


President Ezra Taft Benson said that “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance” … “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness.  All of these are elements of sin, but the heart, or core is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen” (Benson).

What is enmity, and how does it manifest itself in marriages?

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines enmity as “a very deep unfriendly feeling” and adds that “Enmity and its synonyms ‘hostility,’ animosity, and animus all indicate deep-seated dislike or ill will” and is derived from the Anglo-French word meaning “enemy” (www.merriam-wevster.com).

Enmity may seem like a strong word but consider President Benson’s words – “Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers” (Benson).

It’s easy to see how these characteristics apply to those opposing God - Not so easy to see how they may apply to us and our marriages.

Rebellion: Do we refuse to allow our spouse to influence us? This does not mean that we shouldn’t express our opinions or our emotions, it simply means that we be open to our spouse's perspective.

Hard-heartedness: Are we unwilling to forgive?  Do we “continue to grieve over our injuries and rehearse our [spouses’] offences” - often magnify them? (Goddard)

Stiff-neckedness: Do we fail to turn toward one-another by ‘stone-walling’ or ignoring ‘bids for attention’ from our spouse? (Gottman)

Unrepentant: Do we refuse to apologize because we believe our spouse is in the wrong - justifying our thoughts and feelings? Do we realize that when we feel irritated with our spouse it is an “invitation to call ourselves to repent” rather than them? (Goddard)

Puffed Up: Do we believe that our spouse has a responsible to fulfill our needs? Do we “presume to understand” our spouse better than, we believe, they do? (Goddard)

Easily Offended: Are we so defensive that we easily find criticism or judgment in the smallest comment from our spouse? Do we feel a need for approval in all things?  “Fear of men’s judgment manifests itself in competition for men’s approval” (Benson).

Sign Seeker: Do we feel that our spouse needs to ‘prove’ his/her love to us? Do we pout when we feel like we are being neglected or do we stop and contemplate the many ways our spouse does express his/her love – through small and simple means?