Appreciating is more powerful than correcting - H. Wallace Goddard

Turn Toward Each Other

“Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away” is the title of chapter six in John M. Gottman’s  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

How convenient for my sixth Blog entry!

One of the first things that Dr. Gottman addressed was something I have come to really understand and appreciate in my thirty-five years of marriage – it’s the little things that count.

“Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes” (John M. Gottman The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).

Reading that statement reminded me of a story I once read about a young mother who was awakened one night by a sick child. Realizing that the child was about to vomit, she jumped out of bed and hurried him off to the bathroom. Unfortunately, they didn’t make it in time. Weary eyed, she consoled her young child, cleaned him up, changed his pajamas, and tucked him back into bed. As she headed back to the bathroom, she found her husband, on hands and knees, wiping up the mess in the hallway. She stated that her love for him increased in that moment more than any romantic gesture could have.

Her comment goes along nicely with Gottman’s statement “Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.”

Embracing opportunities to turn toward our spouse is like making deposits in our “emotional bank accounts”. We build up our reserves so that when things get tight, we have an extensive balance to fall back on.

The best thing about turning toward each other is how easily it can be done and how often the moments present themselves. Opportunities arise daily!

See: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

Friendship

Did you know that the secret to having a happy marriage is not romantic get-a-ways, the absence of conflict, or even great communication skills? No, what’s at the heart of a happy marriage is friendship – A deep friendship.

According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned specialist on marital stability and divorce prediction, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (pg.22).

In reading Dr. Gottman’s book, I was struck by this concept. To say that I had never considered friendship to be central to marriage may sound naïve, but I don’t know that it really occurred to me how basic it is – At least not on a conscious level. 

As I contemplated what he said about the fundamental principles of friendship, it became clear to me what he meant. Dr. Gottman defines deep friendship as having “mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company” (pg. 21). He says that couples who have deep friendships know one another’s hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes, and “have an abiding regard for each other” (pg. 21).

Additionally, he says that couples with deep friendships express their fondness for each other in “small gestures day in and day out” (pg. 21). This made me think of another statement I heard when watching a talk by Elder David B. Wirthlin. He said, “Sometimes the greatest love is not found in dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness we extend to those we meet along the path of life”. (see the link below for Elder Wirthlin’s talk)

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=2103&EndCue=2423&VideoName=916_D2_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos

It’s important to realize that even couples who have deep friendships have challenges in their marriage. No marriage is immune to that. However, when disagreements and irritations arise in such marriages a safety net is in place. This safety net is what Gottman identifies as ‘positive sentiment override’ or PSO. “This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings … Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other … to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt” (pg.22).

I, therefore, pledge to foster the friendship I have with my husband by increasing my understanding of his hopes and dreams, his likes and dislikes, and extending simple acts of kindness.

And If he wants to take me on a romantic get-a-way, I won’t  argue. 

Marriage is a Covenant:

Marriage has traditionally been viewed as a covenant – a solemn agreement between a man, a woman, and God. While there are certainly those who don’t believe in God and still get married, they still subscribe to the idea of a covenant, as opposed to a simple agreement.

“Even secular marriage was historically a three-party covenant among a man, a woman, and the state,” said Bruce C. Hafen, author of Covenant Hearts: Marriage and the Joy of Human Love, namely because society has a great interest in the outcome of the marriage, as well as the children that may come from it. Hafen continues, “the public nature of marriage distinguishes it from all other relationships. Guests come to weddings because, as Wendell Berry said, sweethearts 'say their vows to the community as much as to one another,' giving themselves not only to each other, but also to the common good “as no contract could ever join them.”

Elder David E. Bednar shared two doctrines that help us understand why the covenant in marriage is so important, in his address, “Marrriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”, June 2006.

#1 – The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation. "For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary, and alone neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation."

#2 - By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children. "Just as the unique characteristics of both males and females contribute to the completeness of a marriage relationship, so those same characteristics are vital to the rearing, nurturing, and teaching of children. Complete sexual abstinence before marriage and total fidelity within marriage protect the sanctity of this sacred channel".

Of course, marriage is not always easy nor is it always sublime. The reality is that marriage can be difficult, and people struggle with adverse situations where divorce becomes necessary. However, for the most part, marriage and family relationships are about sacrifice – the sacrifice of time and effort, pride and selfish motivations.  

“Surely,” Elder Hafen said, “marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor inanimate objects,” however, “when we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength” (Hafen).

More and more, marriage is being viewed as an end destination for a couple who have experienced independence and achieved goals apart from one another. In the words of Andrew Cherlin, author of “The Marriage-Go-Round, “…marriage used to be the foundation of adult family life, now it is often the capstone” (Cherlin, pg. 139).  Once again, while it is good to have a sense of independence and security, such things as, buying a home, a car, and establishing careers, draws couples together through mutual support and shared experiences of reaching goals together.

Working together for the happiness and betterment of each other brings spiritual blessings as well. Indeed, as Bruce C. Hafen said, “marrying and raising children yield the most valuable religious experiences or [our] lives”.