Charity in Marriage

In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard addresses the topic of Charity – what it is, what it looks like in marriage, and how it can affect a marriage.

What is Charity?

In scripture, charity is defined as “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:46-47). The love of Christ can have several applications. It can reference the love we feel from Christ, the love we have for Christ, and how we can love, like Christ does.

We can feel the love of Christ as we seek to understand, and believe in, the love he has for us. We exemplify the love we have for him in this choice to believe, and we express that love in words and deeds. As we do these things, we learn to love as he does.

Let’s take this example of developing charity and put it in the context of a marriage.

We can only come to truly know our spouse, as we seek to understand them. What are their hopes and dreams? Where do those stem from? What gives them purpose and meaning in their lives?

John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that perpetual disagreements between spouses are usually a sign that each have dreams for their lives that are not acknowledged, respected, or even known, by their partner.

Part of understanding our spouse is knowing how they convey their love for us, and accepting those efforts – not only believing them, but acknowledging them and expressing gratitude for them. We allow ourselves to feel their love.

As we grant forgiveness for errors in judgement and welcome attempts to repair hurt feelings, we are exercising charity. We are loving as Christ does.

Goddard clarifies that charity is not “artificial good cheer … or a thin veneer of politeness on a distressed soul … or simply holding your tongue while judging or resenting others”. Nor does charity “flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse … It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other”.

How does charity affect marriage?

All marriages have challenges specific to the individuals involved. When these challenges arise, they must be addressed. Charity helps couples stay focused on the bigger picture. 

Being critical in such cases only leads to anger and defensiveness, not resolution or growth.

John Gottman claims that approximately 70% of what we don’t like, in our spouses, will never change. Employing charity creates an environment that welcomes self-reflection, which, in turn, initiates clarity and refinement.

In areas where it is possible, Goddard says, “acceptance is the key to change”. He also acknowledges that relevant action must take place for major violations of trust. Nonetheless, “whatever else is appropriate, charity is still essential".