Managing Conflict

In every marriage there is bound to be conflicts of some sort or another. While some conflicts are minor, others are more complicated. Many couples avoid addressing conflicts that arise in marriage because they have misconceptions about negative emotions.

Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, points out that negative emotions are important because “negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better”.

That is a powerful statement. When others express their negative emotions, do we consider what we can learn from them, or do we put up defenses? 

Gottman teaches that we don’t have to resolve our major marital conflicts for our marriages to thrive, but we do need to learn how to navigate them.

Soften your start-up.

A “start-up” is the introduction to the issue being addressed. It does not need to be very strategic, but it is imperative that it be free from any criticism or contempt. Complain but don’t blame!

The most productive ‘start-up’ has four elements; share some responsibility, say how you feel about the specific situation, and say what you need. Be clear about your positive needs (say what you need, not what you don’t need). Also, be polite. Think about how you would address a guest in your home, a co-worker, or friend.

Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

Repair attempts are efforts at de-escalating tension.  When too much negativity emerges, communication can shut down. Types of repair attempts are humor, apologies, taking time to cool down, suggesting a better way to communicate, and showing affection – to name a few. Learn what works best in your partnership and accept your spouse’s attempts at repair.

                Soothe yourself and each other.

Take a break from your discussion and let your body calm down. Listen to soothing music, do something that is distracting like taking a walk, reading, or exercising. When you are feeling calmer consider how you may help soothe your spouse. Find out what helps your spouse and support them in that.

                Compromise.

Gottman says that negotiation is only possible after following the previous steps, because a positive atmosphere must be present.  “Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiation and finding ways to accommodate each other”.  Remember to accept your spouses influence. We don’t have to agree on everything, but we need to consider our spouses position.

                Process grievances so that they don’t linger.

Because arguments can leave scars, it is important to address them. Gottman outlines specific ways in which these can be addressed. The important thing to remember is that each person’s perceptions are equally valid, and your goal is to gain greater understanding, not to debate who is correct.