Friendship

Did you know that the secret to having a happy marriage is not romantic get-a-ways, the absence of conflict, or even great communication skills? No, what’s at the heart of a happy marriage is friendship – A deep friendship.

According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned specialist on marital stability and divorce prediction, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (pg.22).

In reading Dr. Gottman’s book, I was struck by this concept. To say that I had never considered friendship to be central to marriage may sound naïve, but I don’t know that it really occurred to me how basic it is – At least not on a conscious level. 

As I contemplated what he said about the fundamental principles of friendship, it became clear to me what he meant. Dr. Gottman defines deep friendship as having “mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company” (pg. 21). He says that couples who have deep friendships know one another’s hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes, and “have an abiding regard for each other” (pg. 21).

Additionally, he says that couples with deep friendships express their fondness for each other in “small gestures day in and day out” (pg. 21). This made me think of another statement I heard when watching a talk by Elder David B. Wirthlin. He said, “Sometimes the greatest love is not found in dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness we extend to those we meet along the path of life”. (see the link below for Elder Wirthlin’s talk)

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=2103&EndCue=2423&VideoName=916_D2_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos

It’s important to realize that even couples who have deep friendships have challenges in their marriage. No marriage is immune to that. However, when disagreements and irritations arise in such marriages a safety net is in place. This safety net is what Gottman identifies as ‘positive sentiment override’ or PSO. “This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings … Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other … to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt” (pg.22).

I, therefore, pledge to foster the friendship I have with my husband by increasing my understanding of his hopes and dreams, his likes and dislikes, and extending simple acts of kindness.

And If he wants to take me on a romantic get-a-way, I won’t  argue.